just exchanging

Remember this day I will.
filled with unbelief and wonder.
today i paid for last night's fun.
12+ cups of Waffle House coffee partied
with PBR, gin, and more gin. Zorbas.
Photo Hunt. That thing that never was.
I wonder about it though, caress it like
small ocean critters in petting tanks. Wonder what
being with him would be like, his lips and
the way excitement lights up his genetically
perfect face.
Excessive conversation and gripping eye contact.
Oh how the mind wonders.
Please don't leave me here without you,
You are not one of the Others


I have been awake for 34 hours.
My mind hates me more than my body.
I am killing both of them (one can only take so many).
The blue pills watch me from the counter like they always do.
I reply, "my mind is slipping, I can't play with you."
I have been mildly hallucinating off and on for about 3 hours.
Just the insects again. And the pressure on my fingernails.
I am not given any control, than back to mortal.
puppet.

Today my body cried out to me, as she does on the
underbelly of consciousness, showing me things I
forget to notice. My bone splinter decided to dip out
in the Pita House. Mmmm falafellllll...and wait... grain
of uncooked rice? Nope. Just a little sliver of skeleton.
Less than twenty minutes later I found the little guys who'd
gone missing. Pulled him out, along with his partner in crime.
Unbelievably warm. Not the first time and not the last.
THERE THEY GO AGAIN! , the swift moving figures.
my subconscious wants me to play but im not ready to
lay down and surrender my body. Not just yet.

Tomorrow (actually already today) i'll be driving to Athens.
My heart is in a state of spasm, my blood dense and hot yet
traveling without space time through my veins. Breatheeeee.....
When I think about that moment, THE moment, that has been
discussed and re discussed, flipped and poked and reconstructed,
somewhere in the world I have killed something innocent.
predation, wild and terrifying. I HAVE to learn to put myself
out there. It's unhealthy to push people away solely in the fear
of being hurt, being "exposed".
I am going to indulge, let go, just be. Letting, for ONCE
this semester, school take the back burner and operate/
experience life on MY time. This is for me. I need this one.

Day is my middle name and at 2:30 p.m.
on the 1st of December 2010,
my biological satellite lost signal.