Its official. I am nineteen year old as of an hour ago.
It shocks me how depressed I am about it, about getting old.
Time is moving so quick I can hardly breathe. 1/4 of my life is over.
These past few months have been a real eye opener. It's amazing what you can conclude when you can actually hear yourself think. All I do these days is think. Process. Rationalize. Organize. Dissect. Observe. The more you think about people and situations the sadder they become. I look back and reflect on the last five years of my life and the only things I truly walked away with, the TRUE investments, were the things I invested in myself. My schooling. My art. Everything else never manifested into anything, poor usage of my time and emotion. Nothing really matters in the big picture. Fuck, there is no "big picture".
(or maybe im just a pessimist...naaaa)
It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about the some of the friendships i've had. That's not good. I can easily say there is ONE person outside of my family that has never really let me down. ONE goddamnmotherfucking "true blue". ONEEEEE!!!! He is the one kid who pisses me off the most, who i've fought with more times then I can count. The friendship that has been called off then called back on, rinse and repeat. But besides all the bullshit, no one is like him. No one has ever taken care of me like he has. No one who has genuinely loved and cared about me. Jesus Christ, I think back to all the times I treated that kid like fucking d-i-r-t and the way he responded each time. This guys is rare. He is the most amazingly beautiful soul I know. I look to him with the up most respect. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about all the horrible shit that kid has gone through...yet....he came out on top and shines oh so bright. Yes, he has his flaws. MANY of them. But, needless to say, he has achieved a high ranking score in Chelsea's book, which we all know is near to impossible. Thank you Kyle Sanders. NO ONE has ever done has much for me as you have, ever.
The others have been my friend as long as they got a piece of me. As long as they got something. I call those "fine print friends". You're useful as long as you can deliver. Im fucking sick of being a pawn. I refuse to invest myself in people who, at the end of the day, don't really give a flying fuck. I can name three off the top of my head, here and now. Goodbye. You're being cut and pasted into someone else's life. My time and effort are for people heading in the direction of the sun.
But, at the end of the day, I am only responsible for myself. It's just so hard when someone is a part of you. True honest to goodness love. VERYYYYY few are let in. Very fucking few. Im not holding on anymore. I've found my peace.
wool. cloves. Tom's lavender deodorant. word games. heat. marionettes. perfume. beetles. WB. dirty talk. comfort. rituals. mimosas. nail polish. leather bags. thongs. skin. dreadlocks. rage. eucalyptus. red stripe. acronyms. adderall. psytrance. routine texts. laughter. fuzzy socks. vials. cuddling. the smell of old. procrastination. vivid dreams. spell check. camel lights. steering wheel. taxidermy. 20 mph over. acai. quilts. dr bronner's peppermint soap. psychedelics. audio books. my first true love. sadness.
thank you to the memories and experiences of age eighteen.
here's to nineteen and the mind numbing roller coaster called life.
