can't sleep

"Moment of honesty
Someones gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now.."




I'm pretty damn excited for Boston.

constantly confused

why are you distancing yourself from me?
what is going on?
im so sick of
this shit.

I am now at a peace with things.
Times are changing and that's okay.


(I really like the picture below. Wonder why...)

we're going to be close friends

this isn't like me
this isn't like me
this isn't like me
this isn't like me
WHAT has he done to me?
maybe a little dose of my own medicine?
HAVE I BEEN CROSSED?!


i seriously cant be falling already
too soon
fresh
new
something isn't right about this;
HOW did he meet me on the other side?
oh daughters of Lilith, what is going on?

if he wants dirty Craft, i'll bring it.

I play for keeps

Alright Universe, tell me, what the fuck is going on?
This is too crazy to be called coincidence.
Not once, twice, but THREE times?!

my spell never fails.

just exchanging

Remember this day I will.
filled with unbelief and wonder.
today i paid for last night's fun.
12+ cups of Waffle House coffee partied
with PBR, gin, and more gin. Zorbas.
Photo Hunt. That thing that never was.
I wonder about it though, caress it like
small ocean critters in petting tanks. Wonder what
being with him would be like, his lips and
the way excitement lights up his genetically
perfect face.
Excessive conversation and gripping eye contact.
Oh how the mind wonders.
Please don't leave me here without you,
You are not one of the Others


I have been awake for 34 hours.
My mind hates me more than my body.
I am killing both of them (one can only take so many).
The blue pills watch me from the counter like they always do.
I reply, "my mind is slipping, I can't play with you."
I have been mildly hallucinating off and on for about 3 hours.
Just the insects again. And the pressure on my fingernails.
I am not given any control, than back to mortal.
puppet.

Today my body cried out to me, as she does on the
underbelly of consciousness, showing me things I
forget to notice. My bone splinter decided to dip out
in the Pita House. Mmmm falafellllll...and wait... grain
of uncooked rice? Nope. Just a little sliver of skeleton.
Less than twenty minutes later I found the little guys who'd
gone missing. Pulled him out, along with his partner in crime.
Unbelievably warm. Not the first time and not the last.
THERE THEY GO AGAIN! , the swift moving figures.
my subconscious wants me to play but im not ready to
lay down and surrender my body. Not just yet.

Tomorrow (actually already today) i'll be driving to Athens.
My heart is in a state of spasm, my blood dense and hot yet
traveling without space time through my veins. Breatheeeee.....
When I think about that moment, THE moment, that has been
discussed and re discussed, flipped and poked and reconstructed,
somewhere in the world I have killed something innocent.
predation, wild and terrifying. I HAVE to learn to put myself
out there. It's unhealthy to push people away solely in the fear
of being hurt, being "exposed".
I am going to indulge, let go, just be. Letting, for ONCE
this semester, school take the back burner and operate/
experience life on MY time. This is for me. I need this one.

Day is my middle name and at 2:30 p.m.
on the 1st of December 2010,
my biological satellite lost signal.

my warm, fuzzy blanket

I woke up not to long ago.
It's 8am and I'm still sleepy.

If I could have anything in the world right now, it'd be
the opportunity to lay in bed with coop all day, watching
movies, essin bees, and drinking mimosas, oh and.... ;)

But, in reality, it's rainy and cold outside and I must go to
school while he goes to sleep (or whatever he does) in Japan.
I just want to cuddle with a man that isn't hairy and who's soft.
That's not such an easy thing to find.
They have some funnyyyy "boyfriend applications" online.
What twatssssss...

deep and moist

Last night I dreamt of psychological manipulation.
I wasn't always like this ya know.


Choice between hero or villain?
...that's a hard one ;)

THIS JUST IN....

I have decided that I will be teaching myself German at the start of the new year... yes yes, random I know. BUT lets face the fact. That needs to be Step 1 in my big "plan 'o life". Germany here I comeeeeeeeeee!

I feel the SAME way, little girl. 

(yes this IS someone else's kid and YES i am creepy for using it)

all i want..BANG BANG BANG

Hummm...today was interesting. I woke up at 8 am with a wine hangover and was at work by 9:45. Once there, all the freaks of nature and creepers came out of the woodwork and jumped into my line. WHYYYY AM I A FUCKING CREEPER MAGNET?! AHHHHHH!!! I get sooOoOoOooo frustrated with my state of reality. Why cant a sexy (yet ULTRA dorky) surgeon ask for my number? Or a zookeeper? OR someone who doesn't make me feel super uncomfortable? !@#$%

But besides all the creepers and the hangover, I had a WONDERFUL day.
I just washed my hair for the first time in month...ahhhhh feels so good but wet dreadlocks suckkkk.
Dreadlock products are way to fucking expensive. Last week I ordered shampoo, lock peppa, and a tool. The total? FORTY FIVE DOLLARS! what?! (w/ a Boston accent...) YOU ASS HOLESSSS!!! YEAHHH YEAHHH YEAHHHHHHH!!!! :)

I had a crazy dream last night. Here are some insights:
rubber cement, fingernails, lemongrass, lubricant, marbles, and conversations at a molecular level. No wonder im such a psychopath. All night, every night, I dream of the craziest shit and wake up the next morning with it on my mind. That can be both good and bad.

Tonight I am feeling somewhat guilty. I don't make time for the people in my life who want "in" and want to hang out with me. Why I put them off I do not know... actually I do... wait, do I? Chelsea, you're doing it again. No im not. Yes you are.

Chelsea girl.

If things go horribly wrong, it's all my fault.
Im going to pay for ignoring my intuition,
it's a done deal.

A year later and here I am...
I love him as much as I did then, if more.
Tuesday was my nineteenth birthday.
I hoped to receive an early morning
phone call from him, in which he'd
wish me a happy birthday and tell me
how much he truly adores me.
Or even a simple message or email.
Shit, a 'Happy Thanksgiving!' would
have been nice.
Nothing.
Simply, nothing.
I am not bitter and I am not mad.
In fact, it doesn't matter.
I have the one man in this world 
that I absolutely adore.
Wouldn't trade him for the entire WORLD.




Today I am thankful for my family and the few true friends that I have, my health, my education, my retail therapy I took care of this morning, and my lover who's across the globe. Despite my bitchiness and passive aggression, I am thankful that I am a well rounded, rational person.

heavy breathing

oh, please excuse me while I put on dry panties.

Smoke & Mirrors

Its official. I am nineteen year old as of an hour ago.

It shocks me how depressed I am about it, about getting old.

Time is moving so quick I can hardly breathe. 1/4 of my life is over.

These past few months have been a real eye opener. It's amazing what you can conclude when you can actually hear yourself think. All I do these days is think. Process. Rationalize. Organize. Dissect. Observe. The more you think about people and situations the sadder they become. I look back and reflect on the last five years of my life and the only things I truly walked away with, the TRUE investments, were the things I invested in myself. My schooling. My art. Everything else never manifested into anything, poor usage of my time and emotion. Nothing really matters in the big picture. Fuck, there is no "big picture". 

(or maybe im just a pessimist...naaaa)

It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about the some of the friendships i've had. That's not good. I can easily say there is ONE person outside of my family that has never really let me down. ONE goddamnmotherfucking "true blue". ONEEEEE!!!! He is the one kid who pisses me off the most, who i've fought with more times then I can count. The friendship that has been called off then called back on, rinse and repeat. But besides all the bullshit, no one is like him. No one has ever taken care of me like he has. No one who has genuinely loved and cared about me. Jesus Christ, I think back to all the times I treated that kid like fucking d-i-r-t and the way he responded each time. This guys is rare. He is the most amazingly beautiful soul I know. I look to him with the up most respect. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about all the horrible shit that kid has gone through...yet....he came out on top and shines oh so bright. Yes, he has his flaws. MANY of them. But, needless to say, he has achieved a high ranking score in Chelsea's book, which we all know is near to impossible. Thank you Kyle Sanders. NO ONE has ever done has much for me as you have, ever.  

The others have been my friend as long as they got a piece of me. As long as they got something. I call those "fine print friends". You're useful as long as you can deliver. Im fucking sick of being a pawn. I refuse to invest myself in people who, at the end of the day, don't really give a flying fuck. I can name three off the top of my head, here and now. Goodbye. You're being cut and pasted into someone else's life. My time and effort are for people heading in the direction of the sun.

But, at the end of the day, I am only responsible for myself. It's just so hard when someone is a part of you. True honest to goodness love. VERYYYYY few are let in. Very fucking few. Im not holding on anymore. I've found my peace.

wool. cloves. Tom's lavender deodorant. word games. heat. marionettes. perfume. beetles. WB. dirty talk. comfort. rituals. mimosas. nail polish. leather bags. thongs. skin. dreadlocks. rage. eucalyptus. red stripe. acronyms. adderall. psytrance. routine texts. laughter. fuzzy socks. vials. cuddling. the smell of old. procrastination. vivid dreams. spell check. camel lights. steering wheel. taxidermy. 20 mph over. acai. quilts. dr bronner's peppermint soap. psychedelics. audio books. my first true love. sadness.

thank you to the memories and experiences of age eighteen.  

here's to nineteen and the mind numbing roller coaster called life.

and I just keep spinning and spinning my web

I bet the neighbors know my name

the deal breaker

My mind races and uncertainty bubbles to the top of my throat.
I poke at the idea that doesn't want to be bothered, but it's there,
laying dormant in the cracks and shadows, always taunting me.
The idea is rotting me from the inside out.
I try to rationalize and write it off; ignorance is key.
But,
I know the way he works.
I know his ideas on love.
and all I can do is act like it's not KILLING me inside.

Males

Men are something else, they really are. 
I compare them to small children and dogs....
just when you think you've seen it all, they do another trick...
This is where "shaping behavior" comes into play.
And yes, it is very, veryyy easy to do.

I don't want to start a debate on who's the lesser species...
BUT,
ahemmm... deep down we all know...
Without women, the world would be a
jungle of ass play, laziness, warfare, and way,
WAY too much beer.

Reality check, Chelsea...
You. Cant. Change. People.
and that's so unfortunate...

ahhhhh...

The end of the week is finally here...whewwwww....
It was a very, VERY busy one!
Lots of school work, lots of worrying, but it's behind me now.
This weekend made up for it all.

Friday, Nic and I had an adventure...
It started at noon when I picked him up from home.
We jumped on 26 and drove to Asheville.
Asheville: Indian street food, parking meters, dreadlocks, crisp air.
Then it was to Scarowinds, but not before getting stuck in a
bumper to bumper traffic jam...and there we sat for an hour.
And what did we do? Turned the music up and danced!
Pure silliness...
FINALLY we made it and parked on the outer edge of the parking lot
between the two rape vans ("Touching with Love").
Nic and I had a blassssst. BLAST. holyshitalmighty.
Screaming and pushing each other through the haunted house and corn maze.
I DO NOT like being chased with a chain saw through a corn maze. Never again.
I miss screaming at the top of my lungs on an 85ft drop :(

Finally we left the park around 1am and thankfully he drove us home.
I will never forget the conversation we had on the way home. Thank you, Nic.


But now Im at home, about to go to bed, missing the one kid I (sometimes)
wish I could forget. He is like no other. No one can top him. NO ONE.
I was finally able to stop crying at night, but it took a while.
Cooper is something else, he really is. I love that kid with all essence of
my being, I honestly do. I doubt anyone will ever love him as much as I do.

psychodynamic

Hot tears rolled down my face as I scrolled through old pictures on Photobooth.
1,324 of them.
An overwhelming, unrecognizable feeling came over me.
I sat on my bed and bawled like a fucking baby.
Who I was...who I am now


I was secure, jubilant, giddy- so full of life.
Looking back on myself, Im amazed with
the amount of confidence I possessed.
Yet overweight and goofy as hell.
(or the word I always hated, "chunky")

Nothing will ever be the same.
That's just of those unavoidable factors of life and I get it.
But it still breaks my heart....
I miss the girl I used to be, full of color and excitement.

Right now I feel like nothing more then a shell.
An "exoskeleton", if you will.
A slave to sleep deprivation, textbooks, confinement, and my demented "ID".
Sometimes I wish I could just go back...
back to a time where people didn't stare at me (including men)...
a time where I enjoyed watching the day to day variations of my long curls....

blaaahhhhh...im rambling now...
sleep is the first step in healing my mind...
fare thee well.

sneaky critter

At least one good thing has come out of today...
I've finally made up my mind about the whole "costume issue".
FOX it is :) !!!!! Now it's time to pull out the sewing machine...
Im going to make ears and a tail, sill debating on a nose.
4 days until PARTAYY TIMEEEE! game face? check!

So it's official...
I am going absolutely wild this weekend.
Think i'll call this trip to ATL my release of the season.
WHO. KNOWS. WHAT. WILL. HAPPEN.
it's time to find the nub....

protruding wires

cigarettes. pumpkins. speed. poems. meiosis. time management.


It seems like I am existing in a world of my own.
I have never been this alone in my life.
Company? HA. I am my own lover, my only friend.

Most days and nights are spent with school work, escaping from my own reality.
Everyone from my past has evaporated. Space and matter stand alone.
Operant conditioning. Flashbulb memory. Punishment and consequence.

I reevaluate, constantly. Light. Speed. Sound. Time.
It's all psychology. Conditioned stimulus and response.

The bugs have migrated inside my bedroom. A spider a day keeps the fear away.
Why wont the ants leave me alone? They appear to enter through a black hole. Bizzare.
JUST GO AWAYYYY! Leave me to my lonesome! Goodbye.

He haunts me every second of the day.
His lamp brings light to my room.
His glass bracelet snags the hair on my wrist.
I smoke from his piece.
I engage in obsessive behavior.
For WHAT?

Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
Fuck no.
You are an autumn evening, crispy and calm. Crickets.

"Swings a low sickle arc,
From its perch in the dark,
Settle down,
Settle down, my desire"

Well, here I am!

TADAAAAAA!
This is my first post on Blogger. When the idea of blogging popped into my head, I thought about using Wordpress. Yes, I'll say it. But after a little time went by and more thought was put in, I concluded that Blogger was a good place to start. So here I am...

Today I made a list of random Chelsea thoughts.
Here is the list...

Observations of Tuesday:
- I am comforted by older schools; their weight and scent are so recognizable.
- People don't like eye contact anymore, especially at red lights.
- I am OCD about my handwriting and its perfection.
- Favorite words to pronounce: Oxidative Phosphorylation
- I stare back at myself in the mirror, more then i'd like to admit.
- There is a simple pleasure in scooping out rice or any other bulk item from a large container.
- I CAN SMELL EVERYTHING! My sense of smell is abnormally heightened.
- Old people stare me the fuck down, yet they are my absolute favorite.


Recently I've had the most unlikely of critter enter my life- a cat. Naturally over my eighteen years, I've come to hate those things that trigger my allergy attacks. Cats happen to be one of them.
About a week ago, a black and white female cat started hanging around the front and back steps of my house. It was not unusual, for my ex-Hells Angels neighbor is a "collector of felines".
But this cat's different then one his; it's skinny and extremelyyyy friendly. In fact, the first time she made her self be known, she jumped into my lap and started meowing and purring. That was the first time I had ever held a cat. The interesting thing is that she doesn't make me sneezy. At all. That's another first.
Here is Zelda, the mysterious and friendly feline.