ahhhhh...

The end of the week is finally here...whewwwww....
It was a very, VERY busy one!
Lots of school work, lots of worrying, but it's behind me now.
This weekend made up for it all.

Friday, Nic and I had an adventure...
It started at noon when I picked him up from home.
We jumped on 26 and drove to Asheville.
Asheville: Indian street food, parking meters, dreadlocks, crisp air.
Then it was to Scarowinds, but not before getting stuck in a
bumper to bumper traffic jam...and there we sat for an hour.
And what did we do? Turned the music up and danced!
Pure silliness...
FINALLY we made it and parked on the outer edge of the parking lot
between the two rape vans ("Touching with Love").
Nic and I had a blassssst. BLAST. holyshitalmighty.
Screaming and pushing each other through the haunted house and corn maze.
I DO NOT like being chased with a chain saw through a corn maze. Never again.
I miss screaming at the top of my lungs on an 85ft drop :(

Finally we left the park around 1am and thankfully he drove us home.
I will never forget the conversation we had on the way home. Thank you, Nic.


But now Im at home, about to go to bed, missing the one kid I (sometimes)
wish I could forget. He is like no other. No one can top him. NO ONE.
I was finally able to stop crying at night, but it took a while.
Cooper is something else, he really is. I love that kid with all essence of
my being, I honestly do. I doubt anyone will ever love him as much as I do.

psychodynamic

Hot tears rolled down my face as I scrolled through old pictures on Photobooth.
1,324 of them.
An overwhelming, unrecognizable feeling came over me.
I sat on my bed and bawled like a fucking baby.
Who I was...who I am now


I was secure, jubilant, giddy- so full of life.
Looking back on myself, Im amazed with
the amount of confidence I possessed.
Yet overweight and goofy as hell.
(or the word I always hated, "chunky")

Nothing will ever be the same.
That's just of those unavoidable factors of life and I get it.
But it still breaks my heart....
I miss the girl I used to be, full of color and excitement.

Right now I feel like nothing more then a shell.
An "exoskeleton", if you will.
A slave to sleep deprivation, textbooks, confinement, and my demented "ID".
Sometimes I wish I could just go back...
back to a time where people didn't stare at me (including men)...
a time where I enjoyed watching the day to day variations of my long curls....

blaaahhhhh...im rambling now...
sleep is the first step in healing my mind...
fare thee well.

sneaky critter

At least one good thing has come out of today...
I've finally made up my mind about the whole "costume issue".
FOX it is :) !!!!! Now it's time to pull out the sewing machine...
Im going to make ears and a tail, sill debating on a nose.
4 days until PARTAYY TIMEEEE! game face? check!

So it's official...
I am going absolutely wild this weekend.
Think i'll call this trip to ATL my release of the season.
WHO. KNOWS. WHAT. WILL. HAPPEN.
it's time to find the nub....

protruding wires

cigarettes. pumpkins. speed. poems. meiosis. time management.


It seems like I am existing in a world of my own.
I have never been this alone in my life.
Company? HA. I am my own lover, my only friend.

Most days and nights are spent with school work, escaping from my own reality.
Everyone from my past has evaporated. Space and matter stand alone.
Operant conditioning. Flashbulb memory. Punishment and consequence.

I reevaluate, constantly. Light. Speed. Sound. Time.
It's all psychology. Conditioned stimulus and response.

The bugs have migrated inside my bedroom. A spider a day keeps the fear away.
Why wont the ants leave me alone? They appear to enter through a black hole. Bizzare.
JUST GO AWAYYYY! Leave me to my lonesome! Goodbye.

He haunts me every second of the day.
His lamp brings light to my room.
His glass bracelet snags the hair on my wrist.
I smoke from his piece.
I engage in obsessive behavior.
For WHAT?

Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
Fuck no.
You are an autumn evening, crispy and calm. Crickets.

"Swings a low sickle arc,
From its perch in the dark,
Settle down,
Settle down, my desire"

Well, here I am!

TADAAAAAA!
This is my first post on Blogger. When the idea of blogging popped into my head, I thought about using Wordpress. Yes, I'll say it. But after a little time went by and more thought was put in, I concluded that Blogger was a good place to start. So here I am...

Today I made a list of random Chelsea thoughts.
Here is the list...

Observations of Tuesday:
- I am comforted by older schools; their weight and scent are so recognizable.
- People don't like eye contact anymore, especially at red lights.
- I am OCD about my handwriting and its perfection.
- Favorite words to pronounce: Oxidative Phosphorylation
- I stare back at myself in the mirror, more then i'd like to admit.
- There is a simple pleasure in scooping out rice or any other bulk item from a large container.
- I CAN SMELL EVERYTHING! My sense of smell is abnormally heightened.
- Old people stare me the fuck down, yet they are my absolute favorite.


Recently I've had the most unlikely of critter enter my life- a cat. Naturally over my eighteen years, I've come to hate those things that trigger my allergy attacks. Cats happen to be one of them.
About a week ago, a black and white female cat started hanging around the front and back steps of my house. It was not unusual, for my ex-Hells Angels neighbor is a "collector of felines".
But this cat's different then one his; it's skinny and extremelyyyy friendly. In fact, the first time she made her self be known, she jumped into my lap and started meowing and purring. That was the first time I had ever held a cat. The interesting thing is that she doesn't make me sneezy. At all. That's another first.
Here is Zelda, the mysterious and friendly feline.